Why Apples are a No and Apple Juice is a Fervent Yes!

Apples are a pivotal fruit in most countries but on the scale of Fruit Flavor (F.F.) their rank is subpar. The F.F. scale ranks fruits on a scale of 1-10 and apples retain a placement on the scale in the mid 2-3 range. A fruit’s placement on the scale is determined through intense analysis of over 100,000 people who are asked to eat the fruit and rate it. Of the 100,000 people who were told to taste a common apple most ranked it lower than a one but to keep market sales from dropping too drastically it was decided that apples should be given a ranking of a 2.5.

Not only are apples repugnant but they have a skin that easily gets caught in one’s teeth. Having the skin of an apple stuck in-between your teeth is one of the most annoying things that can happen to a person and the process to extract the apple skin is no less tedious. Floss and toothpick are often the only practical way to extricate the apple skin from ones teeth. However, sometimes floss and toothpicks do not work and people are forced to have the apple skin removed surgically.

The ultimate example that apples are not a desirable fruit is that they are given to teachers by students. Though people assume this action is done so that a teacher will have good feelings towards that student, it is actually a passive aggressive action. Students give teachers apples so that they too will have to suffer the pain and anguish that comes with eating an apple. A student often hopes that the apple will be putrid and that some of the apple’s skin will become lodged between their teachers molars. Though apples are not succulent fruits, when pureed into juice they become magically delicious.

Apple juice is one of the most delicious forms of juice known to mankind. Apple juice has even saved lives. In the Bible apple juice is shown to be the most salubrious and exquisite of all juices. This is shown by when Eve drinks apple juice from a the sacred apple tree and thus curses the human race. Out the numerous juices that could have been in the story apple juice was chosen to do so. I once had the pleasure of having the most delicious apple juice I’d ever had. The juice was called heavenly apple and was sold at a farmers market. It was a mixture of seven varieties of apple. Once I tasted the drink I knew I would never drink something even remotely comparable. It was as if all the nectar of life had been syphoned into one glass of apple juice. In the following years I attempted to find a drink that would compare to that delectable apple fluid but none could come close to matching its elegant taste.

Overall, one should never become subject to the horror that is eating an apple. They are the vilest of fruits and there only goal is to cause harm. However, apple juice is delectable and one should always drink apple juice with every meal. Scientists have determined that the nutrients in apple juice are so superior to that of other juices that it is a wonder why people still buy other types of fruit juice. My personal note to the reader is to drink apple juice, it could save your life.

Many statements are from the imagination the author, Noah Kastenbaum, and are meant to be humorous. This article reflects the views Mr. Kastenbaum, not New West Press. 

One thought on “Why Apples are a No and Apple Juice is a Fervent Yes!

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