How To Survive School: Bad Advice From Goldie And Penny

Disclaimer from the Editor: The intention of this article if for humorous purposes only. Do not actually take this advice seriously, or do… Make wise decisions.

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“I need a man. How does one make that happen?” –Needy

First of all, you have to show the male you’re interested. Maybe you could hang a banner up in your school and point to it and shout every single time your crush walks by. Eventually, he’ll want you to close your mouth because he’s “sick and tired” of your shenanigans and the only way to do that is to date you!

“Why do college apps suck?” -Miserable

You know, there is a completely obvious answer to this question. College applications are Satan’s way of making the last year of your high school experience a living nightmare. Here’s a little history lesson. One day, Satan thought to himself, “Wow, high school is way too easy. Especially Senior year. I should make it really stressful,” and so he decided college applications were the way to go. So, if you’re going to blame anyone for college applications, blame Satan.

“How do you balance your school work and your social life?” –Tense

Hey there, so the answer to this question is very simple, you don’t. It’s actually impossible to manage both, so ultimately, you have to choose one. Obviously I chose to have a social life which has left me here writing advice columns… Anyway, it is possible to manage both but you have to be an overachieving, blossoming space starfish to do that and I highly doubt those even exist. Best of luck!

“How do you survive high school?” –Worried

It’s nearly impossible to survive high school. You’re dead by graduation and if not, you’re on life support and you’re holding onto dear life with everything you have left in your weak, deteriorating body.

Share because we OBVIOUSLY know what’s best for you.

All the love,

Goldie and Penny

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